went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
