Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
