her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
