we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
