Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
