I wish my penis had an off switch
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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