Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
