a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
