you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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