You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
