is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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