Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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