Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize