I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
