Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize