he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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