If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
