Can i not drive my cunt home
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
