Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
