Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
