considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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