I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
high people should be assigned attendants
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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