I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
