Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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