so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
