I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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