Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
