got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
