I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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