I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
