Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
