i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
