I cannot find my penis.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
