I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Randomize
