Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
