life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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