you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
