Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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