Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
