we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
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as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
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That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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