I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
