I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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