I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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