my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
