we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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