I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
