Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
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I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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