don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
