Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
