i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
