two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
