i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
