3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you traded sex for a burrito?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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