the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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